Eugene’s Four Point Plan
Making A Leaner, Meaner Government
1. Spring Clean Legislation
Did you know the average American ubnkowingly commits 3 felonies a day because of obscure laws still onthe books? No More!!! From now on, when we introduce one new rule, law, or regulation, two old ones have got to bounce. Just like your fridge needs a cleanout to ditch the moldy, forgotten leftovers, our legal system needs regular checks to ensure laws aren't past their prime. We'll also set up a review system to scrutinize old laws regularly. And all new laws coming across my desk without an expiration date will get veto'd
2. Make Tax Accountants Bored
Let’s face it, taxes are about as enjoyable as a root canal, but they don’t have to be. We're streamlining the process so you can file them with one eye closed and one hand tied behind your back. Imagine comfortably filling out your tax forms while binge-watching your favorite series—yes, it’ll be that easy. No fuss, no muss, just done before the next episode starts. Our goal? To make taxes so straightforward, they feel less like a chore and more like a minor task you can tackle during a commercial break.
3. Out with Old
Think of Congress like leftovers; they shouldn't last until they're unrecognizable. We need fresh ideas, not legislators who've turned Capitol Hill into their forever home. Let's keep things lively and turnover regular, ensuring everyone gets a chance to bring something new to the table before it goes stale. After all, politics should be more like speed dating, not a lifelong marriage!
4. Sponsored By... Bye Bye
Let's face it, our elections have turned into the world's worst telethon where the highest bidder takes all. We're going to scrub the money stains out of politics with strict, clear rules that keep our elections fair and square. We are going to start with making your legislators wear patches to show who has paid for access. No more annonmyous billionaires playing puppet master! We’ll ensure that running for office doesn’t require a billionaire buddy—just good ideas and genuine support. It’s time to bring back the 'fun' in funding reforms, making sure every dollar is clean and every candidate is clear.
Puckfarkner's Top Issues
Tax Forms as Easy As Coffee Orders
Why is it easier to order a quadruple-shot, no-foam, extra hot, pumpkin-spiced latte than to fill out your tax forms? Eugene pledges to simplify tax codes so they’re as easy to understand as your morning coffee order—hopefully without the bitter aftertaste.
DMV Smile Campaign
If smiles can light up a room, why can’t they brighten the DMV? Eugene proposes a law requiring DMV workers to take comedy classes, focusing on the comedic style of Jerry Seinfeld. This will ensure that every citizen leaves with a grin. It’s time to turn those frowns upside down, one driver's license photo at a time.
National ‘Bring a Plant to Work’ Day:
Concerned about the stuffy air in government buildings, Eugene champions the introduction of a national "Bring a Plant to Work Day" for all government offices. Cleaner air, happier workers, greener spaces—it’s a breath of fresh air for bureaucracy!
Make 'Em Dance
With a nod to the sedentary lifestyle of government officials, Eugene proposes mandatory dance breaks during all congressional sessions. Not only will it keep our leaders fit, but it will also add a rhythmic pep to legislative proceedings.
Wi-Fi Password Declassification
Eugene is baffled that the least transparent things in government are often the Wi-Fi passwords. He campaigns for all government Wi-Fi passwords to be straightforward and publicly accessible, because "transparency starts with 'Wi-Fi'."
